First Dates

This first appeared on 2.26.09 as the first ever guest post on Blommit called “People Not on Facebook Need not Apply.”

First dates are completely, totally, and inexcusably obsolete. There is just no good reason for them to exist any longer.

Join me, my friends, in the quest to eliminate first dates forever. I am hereby refusing to ever go on a first date again.

And it’s not because I’m condemning myself to a life of isolation and celibacy. No, no. It’s just that I don’t want to ever again be in the awkward position of staring at the stranger in front of me and trying desperately to find something, anything, to talk to them about.

Think about the concept behind the word “relationship.” A relationship, of any kind, fundamentally can’t exist without something on which to relate.

That’s why you need context. To find out how to effectively achieve this, everybody should turn to us, the Facebook generation, and take an important lesson.

We wouldn’t go out with somebody before first checking out their interests to make sure we don’t have film or literary tastes that will direly clash, or you know, disagree about trite, trivial things like religion or politics. We wouldn’t agree to being confined to a dinner table with someone without cruising through their news feed to make sure they aren’t going to bore you to death by the time dessert arrives. And we definitely wouldn’t agree to a date before carefully examining each and every one of their 1,827 photos to extract hidden clues about their personality.

It’s just not efficient to sit around and tell your entire life story anymore. Not that it ever was, but there is certainly no excuse for it now. We invest an enormous amount of time, painstakingly documenting and sharing the stories and images of our lives online. A potential date should want to take a little bit of time to absorb all of that in advance, so that neither of you waste any time on something that wasn’t ever going to work out.

Sure, there will always still be a “first date,” but it won’t feel the same. You’ll be able to relate to each other already, because you’re starting out at a higher level. (That is, of course, assuming they still want to go out with you after finding you on Facebook. They could determine that you’re a total weirdo.)

So, next time, instead of giving somebody your number, give them your name and networks. Let them get to know you. Digitally.

Just don’t forget to look through their album of Profile Pictures. You can learn a lot about a person from the photos they choose as their Profile Pictures.

March 10th, 2009

 

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